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THINGS YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE WHO'VE NEVER WORKED IN KITCHENS

June 22, 2014

A healthy restaurant ecosystem has many components: a charming front-of-house

team, cunning managers, and a motley crew of underpaid misfits that are actually

cooking your food.

Unless you've worked in a kitchen, it's hard to understand the chaotic dance of a

dinner rush. Coded language, constant personality clashes, and thick-as-blood

camaraderie are side dishes to every entree you've ever ordered.

To turn the world of cooks into an open kitchen, we asked back-of-house staff from

around the country to enlighten us on some of the things that they're always having to

explain to their friends who they only get to hang out with on Monday nights.

Salt and butter are everywhere

But always unsalted butter. Also, half-sticks of butter look downright cutesy

compared to 1lb blocks.

Cooks don't get tipped out

If you're going by the book, it's illegal to force employees to pool tips for back-of-house

workers. Therefore the kitchen is always making way less money than the servers.

"No, I can't just take Saturday night off..."

Not Friday either. But are you free on Monday?

Kitchens are both mentally and physically draining

Most jobs are either physically draining or mentally draining, not both.

Dead, in jail, or in the hospital...

No other excuses. You're expected to perform flawlessly at all other times, even if

you're sick, hungover, grieving, or heartbroken because you found the person you love

screwing someone else because you're "never around".

Cooking is like sex

Sometimes you need things to be hot, hard, and fast. Sometimes you need it gentle,

slow, and easy.

You get really gnarly scars

Also, say goodbye to the feeling in your fingers.

You must over-communicate

It's crucial to say things like "corner, behind, sharp beside, hot".

If your friends say you should open a restaurant, you really shouldn't

Being a good cook at home with friends and family is absolutely nothing like cooking

in a restaurant kitchen.

You stand for 10 hours with no breaks

That's not to mention dead-lifting a 50lb box of frozen chicken while stooped over in

the freezer while your non-slips are freezing to the ground and you are rushing to put

away the order because you are now down a guy because he took two fingers off in the

Robot Coupe and your kitchen manager had to go with him to a hospital because he

doesn't speak English and may be in the country illegally.

If you have time to lean, you got time to clean

This is manager-speak for "There are innumerable things to do constantly in a

professional kitchen. Rarely is there time to chill."

You answer someone with a clear "yes" or "no"

Anything else is too ambiguous.

Urgency and precision are paramount

It's OK if Bob in Finance doesn't have that report ready yet. It does matter if Mikey on

Fish doesn't have that sole cooked at the right time and for the right amount of time,

because if it's there a minute too long, the 50 other items and dishes stacked behind it

begin to slip into oblivion.

Just because you're around food all day doesn't mean you're eating it

Most cooks eat like 3-year-olds. You're tasting a dozen things at all stages of cooking,

sweet after savory. It makes you not want to eat, and when you do it's generally

hunched over a trash can.

It's harder to cook in small portions

After you're used to cooking for hundreds of people a night, making one cup of rice

seems impossible.

Even in scratch kitchens, 98% of everything is prepared ahead of time

Kitchens spend all day prepping for dinner, so while a special order might not seem

like too much trouble, it puts a wrench in six hours of prep and the next six hours of

muscle memory.

The kitchen has read your Yelp reviews

They may seem masturbatory, but you're actually screwing someone else over.

Never spray water directly into a spoon

Unless you like the taste of dish water.

Specials aren't necessarily just things the restaurant can't sell

Surplus goes into the family meal. More often this is to test out new menu items.

Menus are based on kitchen limitations

There's only so much space on the grill. A grilled salad might sound like a great idea,

but odds are a small kitchen needs those grills for steaks.

Most floors are slightly pitched for drainage purposes

So without thinking about it, you're balancing yourself constantly. That's why your

legs feel like you've run a marathon when you get home and your calves have wicked

definition.

Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way

If you can't keep up, you had better find some sort of use for yourself to avoid

becoming a weak link.

Kitchen teams include felons, perverts, and addicts

And they're all pretty okay as long as they don't screw you over or steal money.

There's no such thing as personal space

Just "the dance".

No matter how hot it is, don't drop it

Refer to the note about losing feeling in your fingers.

Everything is very specifically labeled

Always.

Don't show up 10 minutes to close and course out your meal

The kitchen is already cleaning up.

When your rec league softball team decides to come for lunch...

For God's sake, call ahead.

Constantly making sex jokes isn't sexual harassment

It's more of a camaraderie. There are boundaries, but in a kitchen being treated with

respect isn't the same thing as being spoken to with it.

A little kindness goes a long way

Unless they're wearing a chef's coat, people in kitchens are generally treated like they

don't exist. Treat them like human beings, and you'll likely be rewarded.

Your day off isn't for hobbies

It's for doing laundry. Really, really smelly laundry.

Don't ask "Why don't you work somewhere that pays better?"

Odds are cooks didn't choose their careers based on finances.

  • 315 Congress Ave.
  • Austin, TX 78701
  • 512.482.8842

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